|Alcohol doesn't make me happy....
||[Dec. 28th, 2006|06:46 am]
One Winged Angel
I have always felt a connection to bad guys in video games or stories or movies I see. I guess I think I'm kinda the same. no I don't go arond murdering children, but I tend to murder the relationships I have in life. over the years I've burnt bridges with many friends and loved ones, and now...It seems so stupid and insigificant. I joined the military to make my ex happy..I thought it was the only way we could be together. I joined and moved to hawaii where she said she was going to go to school. I'm not kicking myself for joining, but I am realizing that it isn't the life for me. I would gladly go to war...if it came down to it..I don't thik I'd have a problem taking the life of another if I had to. I'm getting out though thanks to a medical problem. The only thing is...I've destroyed my chance at happiness...I have nothing left. My depression has cracked me. She has nothing left?...Pft..she obviously has no idea what it is to be me then. It's alright though, I don't blame her, she did what she had to do to be happy. On the one hand...I'm majorly sad. I know my heart will never feel the way it did, but in a small way. I am happy...Now at least the one I love will have a shot at happiness. It's what they deserve. I was never a good boyfriend or fiance..what happened between us was my fault. I'm not blaming anyone else. I can't control my anger...and no matter how hard I tried. that trait got the better of me. hehe..I feel like it's my fault she had sex with another guy in College. but I've noticed it isn't just her. My anger has spread..I don't know how deep it goes, but I do know that most of it is toward myself. My life..was lie after lie after lie...and I let the only true thing I ever had slip away. no..I pushed it away. I lost myself in Video games. I love to play them, but I think I became so dependant on escaping to that reality that the real world..and the person that mattered most in it just, gave up. This is the first time I've been drunk in my whole life. I don't really know what everybody gets so worked up about with alcohol..IT doesn't make me feel happy. I am simply able to admit that I..am a lonely, bitter, angy person. MY life has gone through such extreme changes. I was angry as a child too, but I gre out of it in my early teenage years. It would seem though, that I had merely buried it..and it has slowly leaked to the surface. I can no longer control it. MY depression is killing me.. I wrote a letter...to my family. I'm just..not sure if I can send it. Is it okay for men to cry? I have always wondered that...it always feels like we're not supposed to. I can't help it right now...I can't control it. I am so...very tired.